A Letter to My Dead Ex-Boyfriend

You passed away this morning.

We don’t value life until it’s taken away from us. I’m ashamed because I didn’t care for you much at all. I was glad you were out of my life. But what if it was me you called last night? Would I have picked up? Would I have been the voice you needed to hear? Would things be different? I can’t help but wonder..

All I can think about is that one time you surprised me by coming over to my house and writing the lyrics to our favorite song on my driveway with chalk. At the time, I was flipping out – my parents didn’t even know we were dating, what would they say?! Now it seems cheesy and romantic. I can’t for the life of me remember the name of that song. I wish I did, I would have it on replay right now.

I don’t know where to begin, but I’ll try and start with I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to keep in touch and check in on you once and a while. Keeping up with exes can be complicated but sometimes you just need to hear from a familiar voice that once cared, still cares for you. I’m sorry you had to become the man of your house at such a young age. Losing a mother is the farthest from easy, but you were a better brother amidst the tragedy. I wish I could tell you how proud I was of you, seeing you own up and take care of your family. I wish I could tell you that whatever deranged relationship we once had, I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful that I got to know a sweet, kind and caring version of you.

So goodbye, my friend. Here’s to a man that had a lot of potential in him but was taken way too soon. May your soul rest in eternal peace.

The Reality of Panic Attacks

Over the last few months I’ve had a total of 3 panic or anxiety attacks. If you’ve ever experienced one, it is no fun. My throat constricts, I can’t breathe, my mind is a jumble full of thoughts I can’t make any sense of. My skin feels tight, I’m sweating, shaky, there are knots in my stomach, and I almost feel like a ticking time bomb. The one thing that resonates with all of the hyper mental stimulation and physical symptoms is the strong desire to flee. To where, I don’t know.

Triggers. What triggers an episode? The incapability of expressing myself. Every time I’ve felt this way, it was due to a time in my life when I was being deeply honest with myself to someone and the understanding from the other individual just wasn’t there. I felt trapped and suffocated by my feelings and the fact that I was being shut down by the person I was supposed to be sharing those feelings/thoughts with.

How to deal. Physically, I find that taking long deep breaths really helps bring me back to my center. If I am feeling restless, I go for a walk that helps clear my mind. The big thing for me, was first admitting that I had just experienced an anxiety attack. Honestly, when it first happened I thought I was going crazy. I also had to be true to myself and acknowledge the fact that this was happening because of a lack and misunderstanding of communication between my thoughts and feelings, how I express them, and whoever’s on the receiving end of it all.

I grew up on a foundation of open communication. Not being able to do so, has literally put me in a place of physical and mental despair.

To those reading, do you have panic/anxiety attacks? If so, what triggers them and how do you handle it?


God is Love

I found this article floating around on my Facebook page. It talks about a Harvard neurosurgeon who had a severe case of meningitis that put him in a NDE (near death experience) – where he recounts visiting the afterlife in vivid detail. He made several descriptions of what he saw and experienced, but this is what stood out the most to me.

Love is, without a doubt, the basis of everything. Not some abstract, hard-to-fathom kind of love but the day-to-day kind that everyone knows-the kind of love we feel when we look at our spouse and our children, or even our animals. In its purest and most powerful form, this love is not jealous or selfish, but unconditional. This is the reality of realities, the incomprehensibly glorious truth of truths that lives and breathes at the core of everything that exists or will ever exist, and no remotely accurate understanding of who and what we are can be achieved by anyone who does not know it, and embody it in all of their actions.

Now regardless of the credibility of this “story”, Dr. Eben Alexander makes a profound statement. If you wish to know the Universe, know Love. I don’t know about y’all, but I am floored by this. I’ve always known it but can it really be that simple? I’ve questioned everything about my existence, and life in general.. and rightfully so. I’m a millennial, it’s what we do (lol, just kidding). In all seriousness though, I’ve always felt that love is the root of my being. To be one with God, would be to love unconditionally ALL of God’s creations. Heck, I don’t even think you have to believe in God as a separate entity, because to me God is Love.

So, to know yourself = know the universe = know love = know God. It can be is that simple.

What do y’all think?

Zombie Lifestyle

I am a nurse and work the night shift. Meaning from 7pm to 7am I am awake and I sleep in the day time. I’ve had this routine for months now, but I’m still not used to it. I find that I can’t make myself be productive because I’m tired all the time. Even when I’m off, most of the day is spent “catching up” on sleep, or my tv shows, or just bumming it. I really have no excuse. I live at home, pretty much have no other obligation other than work.  So what is it that’s keeping me from being productive? Lack of  routine, motivation, interest, poor health? Maybe all of the above? I have to hand it to my coworkers. Many of them are parents and can juggle work, kids, significant others, a healthy lifestyle – all without the “required” 8 hours of sleep. Knowing that I’ll probably be stuck working the graveyard shift for a while, I’m going to start working on the following to give me a boost and help me be more productive on my days off.

  • Eat healthier. Over the past year, I have made some poor decisions on what I should eat. I despise cooking, so I usually go for whatever’s easiest and fastest. I’m going to try to incorporate less sugar, processed, and fried foods while increasing my intake of water, veggies, and vitamins. My boyfriend and I are foodies and love to try new restaurants so that will also play a major part – making healthier choices when eating out.
  • Being more active. A year ago I was at the gym working out 3-5x a week, sometimes for two hours a day.  Today, my workout consists of walking my dog. Ideally, I’d like to get back into running and practicing yoga daily.
  • Creativity. I’m really missing being creative and having to think  abstractly to make something – tangible or not. I used to write poetry a lot or just random thoughts in my journal. Hopefully this blog will help with that in terms of developing both my writing and photography skills.
  • Being more spiritual/religious. I haven’t gone to my place of worship in a while. When I do go, it’s more to socialize and to see my friends/family rather than to actually pray. Most of the time I opt out to not go at all. There’s definitely a disconnect, and I don’t like it. I discovered A Course in Miracles and Marianne Willliamson’s take on it in a Return to Love. I’d really like to dive into both of these books soon, but that’s for another blog post!

I’m making this blog public – so whoever ends up reading this can hopefully hold me accountable to do all of the above. 😉
Until next time,


My new camera!

I’ve always been into photography but didn’t want to make a big investment and have the camera collecting dust in my room. I’ve done a lot of research.. like two years worth (lol not even kidding) and finally decided to just go for it. I bought the Nikon D3300 and I am in loooove!!  I decided to go with a different lens than the kit that the camera comes with and I couldn’t be happier with the results. I’m excited to figure out how to work this thing but here are some test shots right out of the box.